I need to improve at the telling of tall tales...
Thursday, October 11, 2012
Saturday, September 8, 2012
Fear and Writing
My initial idea when I started this blog last year was to face my fears and to stop saying things like "I can't" and "I shouldn't." Though I have done a poor job of blogging about it, I've done a reasonable job at my initial mission. As it turns out, all of this is largely about paying attention to myself in the moment and listening to what I really want, rather than the voice in my head that reflects what I think others think I should do.
I've realized lately, though, that there is one huge tangled mess of dreams, and fear, and can't, and should that I have most certainly not addressed. I want to write. The obvious solution would be to, well, write. But it is a little more complicated than that.
For one, I feel like a fraud and a failure almost all the time. When someone asks me what I do, I always say "Librarian." This is a perfectly acceptable answer because this is what I do for a living and I really enjoy my job. Inside my head, I always scream, "I'm a person who was meant to be a writer!" I feel acutely embarrassed, as if the person will see through me. Or worse, they might ask to see something I've written! This is particularly bad when I'm talking to a friend in a creative field and even worse when I talk to one of my successful writer friends.
I've been spending a little more time at home lately. This is a healthy, adult thing to do and has been good for my mental stability in many ways. At the end of a relaxing or productive evening, I always feel a little bit unsatisfied. I could have been writing. I should have been writing. These are coulds and shoulds that come from the depth of my being, not from some idea I have about what others think.
For a long time now, I've had an anxiety associated with writing. I'll have all sorts of ideas when I'm at work, or walking the dog, or washing dishes. As soon as I sit down in front of a blank writing surface (notebook, empty word document, blank blog post, etc.), my mind goes blank. That very thing happened to me with this blog post. I was cleaning the house and it came fully formed into my mind. As soon as I sat down, it was gone and I have been sitting here for an embarrassingly long time attempting to recreate it.
It used to be that I could write well on demand. I loved school and work writing assignments because they would get me in gear and force me to create. Lately, even that is torturous. I am rusty.
And so, that is what this blog is going to be about for the next little while: scraping off the rust.
I've realized lately, though, that there is one huge tangled mess of dreams, and fear, and can't, and should that I have most certainly not addressed. I want to write. The obvious solution would be to, well, write. But it is a little more complicated than that.
For one, I feel like a fraud and a failure almost all the time. When someone asks me what I do, I always say "Librarian." This is a perfectly acceptable answer because this is what I do for a living and I really enjoy my job. Inside my head, I always scream, "I'm a person who was meant to be a writer!" I feel acutely embarrassed, as if the person will see through me. Or worse, they might ask to see something I've written! This is particularly bad when I'm talking to a friend in a creative field and even worse when I talk to one of my successful writer friends.
I've been spending a little more time at home lately. This is a healthy, adult thing to do and has been good for my mental stability in many ways. At the end of a relaxing or productive evening, I always feel a little bit unsatisfied. I could have been writing. I should have been writing. These are coulds and shoulds that come from the depth of my being, not from some idea I have about what others think.
For a long time now, I've had an anxiety associated with writing. I'll have all sorts of ideas when I'm at work, or walking the dog, or washing dishes. As soon as I sit down in front of a blank writing surface (notebook, empty word document, blank blog post, etc.), my mind goes blank. That very thing happened to me with this blog post. I was cleaning the house and it came fully formed into my mind. As soon as I sat down, it was gone and I have been sitting here for an embarrassingly long time attempting to recreate it.
It used to be that I could write well on demand. I loved school and work writing assignments because they would get me in gear and force me to create. Lately, even that is torturous. I am rusty.
And so, that is what this blog is going to be about for the next little while: scraping off the rust.
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| Photo from my own collection. Taken in the London Library, London, UK. |
Monday, February 27, 2012
Loud and Clear
Most of my unfulfilled dreams involve me standing in front of a microphone. Belting out a fabulous song. Giving an amazing and inspiring speech. Etc.
Unfortunately, these dreams involve a lot of things that I am not good at and/or am terrified of. Making music. Standing in front of people. Talking into microphones. Especially, talking into microphones.
I suppose it is not the microphone itself so much as the sound of my voice coming out of a speaker. I HATE that. I don't like how my voice sounds anyway, but amplified is so much worse. Intellectually, I know that most people probably feel this way. Also, my voice probably sounds perfectly fine to everyone else.
I'm not quite ready to jump on the stage at karaoke to address this problem just yet. Instead, I have set my sights on the microphone/loud-speaker at the library (where I work). Occasionally, we'll make announcements over the loudspeaker before a program or event. I usually write down what needs to be said and ask someone else to do it for me. Next time, I'm going to do it myself. And then report back here. This is a mildly terrifying prospect. Accountability.
Image: from weheartit.com
found on http://diorandstarbucks.tumblr.com/post/18197760645
more from diorandstarbucks.tumblr.com
more from diorandstarbucks.tumblr.com
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Sing (Thoughts for Sunday)
A couple songs from two of my favorite musicians (Frank Turner and Amanda Palmer) for a bittersweet Sunday afternoon.
Sing life to lines that are dead on the page,
Sing for your sorrow, your wisdom, your rage,
Sing out...
Sing for the records you played 'til they broke,
For the parts where you insisted that nobody spoke,
Sing for the words that you knew but they still made you choke."
"Sing for the teachers who told you that you couldn't sing..."
Thursday, February 16, 2012
Making Things
I love, love, love this post from Yes and Yes On Making Actual Things With Your Actual Hands.
Sunday, January 29, 2012
A reminder about fearlessness
Sometimes, I forget how powerful I actually am. I've been feeling a little stuck again lately. (Thus, the lack of blog posts). Back in that mode where I talk myself out of doing things because they scare me a little bit. Back where I feel boring.
It's amazing how doing one little thing differently can change everything. Tonight I went to a nearby Indian grocery store with a friend. I've been wanting to go ever since she had originally told me about it, but it made me nervous for some reason, so I never went. It came up again in our conversation today and she mentioned that she was going to stop by there on her way home from work and would I like to join her?
I went and had a fabulous little adventure. I will go back again. I have a kitchen full of fabulous goodies and new things to try. And I feel like a million bucks, despite having had a stressful afternoon at work.
I have a theory on why this did something for me: A visit to a tiny Indian grocery is about as close to foreign travel as I'm going to get in West Columbia, South Carolina on a Sunday night. Foreign travel is like a drug for me. Even the mention of a possible trip perks me up. I love that I can make a plan, set it in motion, and then do something that seems so daunting to so many people. It makes me feel powerful and fearless and more truly myself than almost anything else I do.
I feel interesting right now. And inclined to creativity. I need to find more ways to insert these feelings into my everyday life.
Image: from weheartit.com
more from 23feathers.tumblr.com
Sunday, January 8, 2012
Avoiding Bitterness
"How To Be More Interesting (In 10 Simple Steps)" by Jessica Hagy. A great little article from Forbes.com, full of apt little diagrams. This one really struck me. This is exactly what I'm trying to avoid in my life.
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